Forget about COVID, the West Coast on fire, police brutality, and whatever it is you-know-who is tweeting today -  I had a near tragic calamity of the highest order today. I placed my Jimmy John's order (BLT Little John special) promptly at 1:15 and strolled over to Bakery Square to pick it up, whereupon I was informed that no order had been received from yours truly! I started to have palpitations and perspire profusely which, being a physician, I promptly recognized as symptoms of Jimmy John withdrawal disorder. What was I to do? I suppose I could have just placed another order at Bakery Square while I was there and waited a couple of minutes for the order but, believe it or not, this never even occurred to me because, first and foremost, I am huge cheapskate. You see, I had already paid for my online order and there was no way I was going to forfeit that $6.42 forever to Jimmy John's Franchise LLC. So I ran home and checked my receipt and, lo and behold, I had stupidly ordered my Little John special from the Squirrel Hill Jimmy John's! I then hopped into my Volvo and exceeded every posted speed limit on the way to Forbes Avenue, nearly hitting several innocent women and children on the way there. Imagine my relief when I spied my BLT, chips and 22 oz. Coke waiting for me on the counter, like the Holy Grail at the end of Sir Galahad's quest! Soon my withdrawal symptoms abated and I gave myself a self-congratulatory pat on the back for overcoming seemingly overwhelming odds in order to solve yet another incredibly formidable First World problem.

Bakery Square Jimmy John's gets a B minus today. Again they did not pre-fill my Coke and they forgot the napkins. In addition, I think they short-changed me on the Jimmy peppers, in that my mouth was not in its typical state of being on fire after consuming my Little John.

On another note, I think the US Census  might be in trouble. I say this because I dutifully filled out my census form on-line on 3/21/20 and I have the receipt to prove it. Since then, I have had 3 Census employees ring my doorbell asking me to enroll in the US Census. I even gave the first one a copy of my receipt but they still keep coming back for more. So if the final Census comes back with 15 billion people residing in Allegheny County, you'll know the reason why.

Well, it's only been about 11 years since my last post, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still pissed off. Although I must admit that at times I sounded like a raving lunatic when I look back on some previous rants. At any rate, for today's post I'm really not all that pissed off. Let's just say that I'm a combination of mildly annoyed and somewhat bemused.

That's because I have a confession to make. I am addicted to Jimmy John's. Yes, you heard it here first. At first I was scornful of such an unsophisticated eatery, whose only claim to fame was ridiculously fast delivery. But then a franchise opened up at Bakery Square, very close to the Grumpy Old Man's place of residence. First I tried their BLT and found it to be quite tasty, especially when complemented by their unbelievably delicious salt and vinegar potato chips. Then I discovered the truly addictive add-on, the JIMMY PEPPERS!!!! I swear to God, these spicy treats must be laced with fentanyl, because I cannot get enough of them! The only problem was that I found that a combo meal of a sandwich, chips and a Coke was altogether too filling for my aging stomach. Whereupon the geniuses at Jimmy John's came up with the perfect solution for my satiety problem - the LITTLE JOHN!!!!! This is a "skinny mini version of any original sandwich," according to Jimmy John's, and who am I to doubt them. Now I can get a right-sized BLT with extra Jimmy peppers, salt and vinegar chips, and a 22 oz. Coke, all for six bucks!!! Plus, I can place my order on-line and by the time I walk over to Jimmy John's (about a half mile), it's waiting for me to pick up! Then I eat it outside on a bench across the street. It's perfection!!

However (and there's always a however), my one complaint about the Bakery Square Jimmy John's is that they are somewhat inconsistent in how they prepare my lunch to go. Ideally, every order should contain my Little John, my chips, napkins, a straw, and my cup, pre-filled with ice and Coke. I like them to pre-fill it because this minimizes my potential COVID-19 exposure within the store itself. So henceforward, I will be keeping track of how often the Bakery Square Jimmy John's achieves a perfect grade. Today they did not pre-fill my Coke and they forgot the napkins, forcing me to unnecessarily expose myself to aerosolized viral particles for approximately 2 minutes. I'll give them a B. But I'm still addicted.

Warning - Political Post

I didn't have enough space in my recently published Letter to the Editor to completely vent about Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's idiotic tuition tax, so I figured what better format to finish my rant than in "Pissed Off In Pittsburgh"?

I can actually sympathize with the Mayor, for as Brian O'Neill has so accurately summarized in a recent column, Pittsburgh has a big problem. Its traditional industrial tax base has eroded and its economy is now based on institutions that can't be effectively taxed - universities, health care institutions, and government. And the people who work in these institutions mainly live outside the city. Other cities, particularly those in the South and West, have solved this problem by enlarging the geographic size of the city, thereby increasing and spreading out the tax base. Pittsburgh and Allegheny County should do this, but that would take political will that none of our current leaders has the courage to muster.

As a consequence, the Mayor needs revenue to balance his budget. He could have raised taxes in the city, either by hiking the income tax or the property tax. That would have pissed off the voters, so no deal. So he attempts an end run around the laws prohibiting taxation of tax exempt organizations by taxing their customers. He was thinking about taxing hospital patients but figured that would generate too much negative publicity and the UPMC is too powerful to take on anyway. So he very cleverly chooses a target with the least ability to fight back - students. Hell, most of them don't even technically reside in the city and they sure as hell don't vote. And here's the ironic part. I think he may have actually gotten away with it if he hadn't been so greedy by making the tax a fixed percentage (1%) of tuition. This really shoots down his premise that the tax is a way of reimbursing the city for services it provides to the universities. With a fixed percentage of tuition being charged, he is implying that the city provides more services to more expensive institutions like CMU as opposed to Pitt, which is clearly not the case. He may have gotten away with a nominal tax like $10 per student. This would have fallen short of his revenue goal of 16 million dollars, but at least it would have been a good start and would not have generated such horrible publicity.

If the mayor really wants to target the universities for services the city renders to them, all he has to do is tally up the charges for these services and send them a bill. I guarantee that the charges won't amount to 16 million dollars. Targeting the students directly for these alleged services is morally repugnant. First of all, most students have no money. In fact most students have mountains of debt. A substantial number of college students are minors. It would make more sense to tax the homeless. I think the average homeless person has more in the way of assets than the average college student, and the city must spend a lot of money chasing the homeless out from under our bridges.

I was shocked when the Post-Gazette came out in favor of the tuition tax and it looks like it will pass in City Council. The argument given by the P-G and the council members voting for the tax is absurd. Their brilliant justification is that no one can come up with a better idea. With logic like that we'd still have slavery and child labor!

Need Help With Clever Reply

There is a huge crisis brewing in this country. I'm not talking about the budget deficit, Afghanistan, Jon and Kate breaking up, the Steeler's aging defense, or any other trivial item that you might think is really important. No, I'm talking about Public Enemy #1, the idiot behind the checkout counter who aks you if you would like to buy something else. I first noted this problem at Einstein Bagels back on 3/22/08, but now it's really getting out of hand. At McDonald's, the first thing they ask you, even before you order anything, is whether you would like to get one of their super duper McCafe coffee drinks. Today at Walgreens I had to buy a newspaper and some batteries, and the checkout girl asked me if I would be interested in buying a Reese's Snack Bar! This is insanity! I can actually understand McDonald's pushing their Latte drinks on you because it actually might make sense to get a Cappuccino to go along with your Egg McMuffin, but why the hell would I want a Reese's Snack Bar to go along with my newspaper and batteries at 9 am in the morning? This has to stop before it gets crazy. I can see it now. The next time I check out at WalMart after buying a toothbrush, the checkout person will ask, "would you like a 52 inch plasma TV with your purchase?"

Here's where I need your help. We need some type of standard reply to discourage these questions from being asked in the first place. I am sick and tired of trying to ne nice and responding with a curt, "No, thank you." That just causes my frustration to build up inside me and before you know it, I'll be saying "Serenity now." At the same time I realize that the cashiers are just being told what to say by their supervisors so I don't want to be overtly nasty to them. So if you have any snappy comebacks, now is your chance. I'll be happy to try them out.

Can't Starbucks Afford Plates?

I went to my local Starbucks this morning and ordered a cinammon roll. The helpful moron behind the counter asked me if I wanted it heated up. Yummy, I thought, how helpful of you to offer to enhance the flavor of my breakfast treat. So after he was done nuking it in the microwave, he proceeded to inform me that they did not have any plates to serve it on. I think he was going to jam it into a paper bag but that would have turned into a sticky mess that would have been impossible to extricate from the bag without losing all of the icing. I told him that was not going to cut it for me, whereupon he put it on a paper towel and handed it to me. It nearly burned my hand because it was still hot from the microwave! I then starting yelling at the guy to get me any type of plate to put the damn cinammon roll on or I was going to call my lawyer, Jackie Chiles! He finally got a big serving platter out and I finally was able to enjoy my breakfast (after I had to return to the counter to request a fork, which he also forgot to give me).

The moral of the story is that anyone who goes to Starbucks for food is a dope (I know, that includes yours truly). They are only interested in massively overcharging for their half-caf mocha-choca ya-ya drinks (I stole that one from Jerry Seinfeld's act) and don't give a crap about customer service.

Sometimes You Just Want to Scream (So I Did)

I stopped at the BP station in Monroeville last night to fill my VW up with gas. It takes premium gasoline, so after swiping my credit card, I selected the appropriate octane level and proceeded to pump, whereupon exactly 14 cents worth of gas came out. Curious, I thought, so I went into the convenience store and asked the clerk if he could get the pump to resume. He then informed me that the gasoline truck with premium never showed up that day so they were completely out. I then pointed out to him that it would be extremely helpful to his customers if he had put out a sign informing them that they were out of premium. He didn't say anything, but the blank look on his face definitely implied that any thought of putting out a sign had never even occurred to him. My thinking is that if you work at a place where you have run out of a particular item and you don't inform your customers, you're either stupid, inconsiderate, or lazy. With this guy, I'd bet on stupid.

As I returned to my car, I screamed at the top of my lungs, "IDIOT!!!"