Umbrella Fixation

This didn't really piss me off. I just found it odd today that I observed at least a half dozen people walking around Oakland during lunch hour with their umbrellas unfurled when it wasn't actually raining. I guess their thought process was as follows: You know the weather guy said it was going to rain today so I went through the trouble of bringing my umbrella to work so I'm gonna damn well use it even though it's not raining - so there!

Failed Sting Operation

Last month Borders charged me sales tax on a newspaper purchase. I returned today, armed with documentation from the PA Department of Revenue website expressly stating that newspapers are sales tax exempt. Much to my surprise, they didn't charge me sales tax today. I don't know if I should be pissed off or delighted. I should be pissed off that my sting operation failed miserably. However, I guess I should be happy that they didn't charge me sales tax. Maybe they read my blog post from February 20th and wised up!

Random Annoyances

Some random things that annoyed me today:

1. Neighbor's barking dogs
2. Drivers yakking on cell phones
3. Ridiculous amount of road construction in the Burgh
4. Traffic backups at intersections of Fifth & Craig and Fifth & Neville (left turns should be strictly prohibited at these intersections)
5. Guys with ponytails (not a good look, IMHO)

Helpful Checkout Tips

I've been venting quite a bit lately on the actions of local merchants that piss me off. Today I will take the opportunity to educate my fellow shoppers on their equally annoying habits.

I think the entire country is afflicted by a serious case of checkout line constipation. And I always seem to choose the checkout line that moves the most slowly, but that's another story. Why does the checkout line move so slowly? It's because the morons that are checking out are woefully unprepared for the checkout process. So here are my tips on how to move your ass so as not to further enrage the GOM standing behind you with steam coming out of his ears (that would be me).

1. No conversations with the cashier allowed. I don't care if the cashier happens to be the birth mother you've been searching for for decades - no chit chat allowed.
2. Yes, I am a sexist pig, but this advice mainly applies to the ladies. Please have your method of payment ready to go when you are up for checkout. I mean, I could read War and Peace by the time it takes some of these women to find their cash or credit card. And no wonder it takes so long. They have to find the money in a wallet in a purse in a shoulder bag full of all kinds of other crap - kind of like opening one of those nested babushka dolls. And then it takes the same amount of time to get all the stuff back where it was before, so it's twice the wait time!
3. Why anyone in this world of debit and credit cards would ever write a check in a checkout line is beyond me, but if you have to subject the rest of us in line waiting behind you to this anachronistic practice, here's what you do. Fill out everything in the check except the amount ahead of time - date, payee, and signature. I might have a little less steam coming out of my ears if you comply with this simple request.
4. I think we need some type of credit card user certification process in this country, kind of like getting a driver's license. I amazes me that so many folks cannot seem to master the simple task of sliding a card through a scanner and pushing a few buttons. Maybe it should be part of No Child Left Behind (No Shopper Left Behind?)

That's enough ranting for now. Just be on the lookout for the guy with steam coming out of his ears behind you in line the next time you're checking out.

Most Annoying Award

The Most Annoying Award for unwanted intrusiveness on the part of a sandwich shop goes to (insert drumroll):

Einstein Bagels!!!!!!!!!!!

I must admit I do like their coffee but why do they have to pester you as soon as you walk in the door with a nonhelpful suggestion as to what you might want to order? "Would you like a bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwich today, sir?" or, "would you like a dozen bagels today, sir?" What I really want is for you to leave me alone, let me figure out what the hell I want all by myself, get me my order accurately and expeditiously, and take my money and give me my change without screwing up! I think that's what Albert Einstein would have wanted too.

Payback

Previously, I had mentioned that I thought that the worst crime in the universe was checking out of the express lane at the supermarket with more than the allowable number of items. However, I forgot to mention an even more abominable sin - blocking my driveway! Last night I got home from the theater and this idiot was parked in front of my driveway and blocking about 3 feet of the entrance. I just barely managed to pull into my driveway without scraping any paint but I was really pissed off. I had to plan my revenge against my new arch enemy. So I got a flower pot full of dirt from my garage and dumped it on his roof. Take that, Mr. Silver Subaru Outback!

Helpful Suggestion to Bigheaded People

Saw a great production of "Assassins" last night at the Pittsburgh Playhouse. I didn't particularly care for the Sondheim songs (they're just conversations set to dopy music) but the book was very original and the actors were fantastic.

My only complaint was that I had the misfortune of sitting behind a guy with a big head. Not only did he have a big head, but he insisted on bobbing and weaving his big head throughout the production. As a consequence, I had to keep bobbing and weaving throughout the production as well. I felt like smacking him upside his big head and telling him to keep still. So to all you bigheads out there, I realize that it's not your fault that you have an oversized melonhead, but could you please do the rest of us normal size heads a favor and try to remain stationary when you are seated in a public place?

Some Mid-Atlantic Comparisons

Just spent a lovely week in Washington, DC and Philadelphia. These are large, cosmopolitan, incredibly diverse, exciting, and very expensive cities. It is no wonder that they are so appealing to young people. But I will tell you that there are two features in particular that Pittsburgh has in abundance when compared to DC and Philly - clouds and potholes. There was hardly a cloud in the sky the entire week I was away - then as soon as I got west of Harrisburg I basically kissed the sun good-bye. Also, the lack of potholes in DC and Philly was very disconcerting. I mean, how do drivers in these cities maintain their concentration if they don't have to continuously be on the lookout for craters in the roadways the size of Rhode Island?

Pittsburgh does have a lot going for it compared to cities further east - a lower cost of living, more compact size, interesting topography, and a disproportionate number of professional sports teams and cultural institutions for a city its size. However, its vitality would be greatly enhanced by an infusion of younger people as well as a more ethnically diverse immigrant population.

It Didn't Take Long

I have been out of town on a Mid-Atlantic region vacation for the past week (more observations on my trip later). And as you might have guessed, I got screwed on my very first customer transaction back in the Burgh. I think it must just be the Peterson Events Center, because it is quite clear that the clerks there are totally clueless. This morning they charged me for a medium coffee when I had ordered (and received) a small coffee. It's great to be back!

Some helpful suggestions for our dear merchants

When did checking out at a store turn into the Spanish Inquisition? Today I bought some hardware at Lowe's and they asked for my phone number when I checked out. I took much glee in refusing, as you might have guessed. As I was purchasing my pants at Penney's, the checkout lady cheerfully exclaimed, "And you'll be using your Penney's card, of course!" Even if I had a Penney's card, I wouldn't use it out of spite. Same situation happened at Kohl's.

When I buy something, all I went them to do is to tell me the price. I can figure out how I want to pay for it all by myself, thank you. Don't ask me for my phone number, zip code, favorite color, body mass index, high school GPA, or any other personal information. Don't try to sell me yet another credit card to enourage me to spend more than I can afford. And don't give me those stupid on-line survey coupons that probably waste enough paper to decimate millions of square miles of forest, thereby causing increasing atmospheric CO2 levels, rising global temperatures, and Al Gore's head to explode.

Do Cry For Us, Pennsylvania

Sorry for the title, and my apologies to Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice, but we Pennsylvanians are in for it, now that it looks like our primary may actually be important this year, at least on the Democratic side. It's going to be a world class panderfest for Hillary and Barack. Actually, winning in Western Pennsylvania requires a fairly strightforward strategy. Simply gain the endorsements of Sidney Crosby and Ben Roethlisberger and get Bob Nutting to endorse your opponent

Pants Expedition (continued)

The first stop on my pants expedition was at Kohl's. Now I have to thank Kohl's from the bottom of my heart for making my future pants shopping forays much simpler, in that I will never, ever set foot in one of their stores again. The reason they have earned such antagonism from GOM is due to their PPP (Pants Pricing Policy, for the uninitiated). Most of their pants are priced with the devious "get one, get another for half price" scheme. And if you just buy one pair, you have to pay the original, nondiscounted price! So if I buy two pairs of pants, it costs me $67.50 ($45 discounted price for the first pair and $22.50 for the second pair). But if I only buy one pair, it costs me the original nondiscounted price of $60! This obviously puts the pressure on me to buy 2 pairs of pants, but they don't have 2 pairs of pants in my size that I like. Sometimes they don't even have more than one pair of pants in my size anyway. I mean, this pricing policy may make sense if you're buying soup or toilet paper or some other item that you know you're going to need a lot of, but it makes no sense as a PPP! So to hell with Kohl's - I'll take my pants business elsewhere. It's on to JC Penney's ...

Pants Nightmare

I took an expedition to the North Hills yesterday to buy some pants. It was a truly horrific experience, but on a brighter note, it gave me enough material for my blog to last me several weeks.

First of all, I have to admit that pants shopping has always been a traumatic journey for me. I think it goes back to my childhood, when my Mom would drag me to the department store before school started and we would have to shop in the "Husky" section. I don't think they have a Husky section anymore, so for those of you who are not familiar with the term, it basically means big-assed pants.

Anyway, after I got home with my pants, I had to start the laborious chore of cutting off all of the little plastic thingies that hold the labels on. Whomever invented those things should be waterboarded by W and Dick Cheney. First of all, you can never find the remnants of the plastic thingies when you cut them in half. Some of them fall on the floor, never to be found again until your cat decides to eat them, possibly precipitating a massive digestive upheaval. But the thingies that really bother me are the ones that stay in your pants. I am constantly fearful that they will someday work themselves out of the pants material and insert themselves into some delicate part of my body and cause irreparable harm. It's my own personal pants nightmare.

Busted again

What a way to start the week! I was overcharged 30 cents this morning for my bagel and coffee at the Peterson Events Center. Turns out I got rung up for a grande instead of a tall.

Lately, there has been some turnaround at the Pete behind the counter, which may account for the vexatious nature of my transactions there as of late. Previously, they had a woman behind the counter who was very efficient and knew what she was doing. I must confess, however, that I was developing a level of familiarity with her that was making me somewhat uncomfortable. Not as bad as the Seinfeld "Kiss Hello" episode, mind you, but GOM is not particularly fond about chatting about the weather and other superficial topics on a daily basis with total strangers. So I guess she had to go.

Forget world peace - this is what we really need

Lots of snow in the beautiful Laurel Highlands yesterday. Unfortunately, the ambient temperature was such so that the snow would melt on my windshield and then stick to the wiper blades in the form of ice, thereby rendering the wiper blades pretty much useless. I literally had to stop the car every 10 minutes to scrape the ice off of the wiper blades. So why can't they invent a heated wiper blade to prevent this type of thing from happening?