Don't Mess With the Muffin Man

I almost lost it at the Giant Eagle this morning. I decided to give them another chance despite the fact that they have downsized their muffin selection. So I go up to the bakery and was again disappointed that they didn't have any of their scrumptious raisin bran muffins. However, they did have some decent looking "good morning" muffins so I picked up one of those and went to get a cup of coffee and then pay for my breakfast at the coffee shop. Lo and behold, they had a solitary raisin bran muffin in a tray right next to the cash register. So I asked if I could exchange my crappy "good morning" muffin for their delicious raisin bran muffin and I was refused, since I had already touched the aforementioned "good morning" muffin. Yes, as my leprous, plague-riddled hands had touched their precious muffin, it was no longer fit for human consumption by anyone other than yours truly.

I was so pissed off that I really wanted to throw that muffin right in the checkout person's face. However, I resisted that temptation for fear of the headline I was visualizing in next day's newspaper - "Deranged Man Arrested for Assault With a Deadly Muffin".

All Drivers Suck (Except Me, Of Course)

I've often dreamed about having this car accessory. It would be a big flashing neon sign on top of my roof that I could activate with various messages for the purpose of communicating with my fellow drivers. It would be much more effective than my usual mode of communication (flipping the bird) as the messages conveyed would be specifically tailored to the transgression being committed. A sampling of these messages are as follows (caution - may contain language not suitable for children as well as my parents):

1. GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE, DICKHEAD!!
2. USE YOUR DIRECTIONAL SIGNALS, MORON!!
3. STOP TAILGATING ME, ASSHOLE!!
4. NO STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, JAGOFF!!

That last epithet is one that's unique to Pittsburgh, for you out-of-towners.

Pissed Off Pittsburgher Pennsylvania Primary Post

How's that for alliteration? Anyway, I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd chime in with some thoughts on our primary. I believe the fellow who came up with the phrase, "be careful what you wish for," must have had the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania in mind. We have been moaning forever about how our primary comes too late in the season to mean anything. Well, we finally got our chance to stand up and be counted and let me tell you something. The entire experience can be summed up in one word: BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The candidates are predictable, their sycophantic supporters are predictable, the media is predictable, and the voters are predictable too, especially here in Western Pennsylvania. I would recommend that the next time we have a meaningful primary here that the outcome be based on one of those steel cage ultimate fighting death matches between the 2 candidates. Now that's something I might be able to get excited about.

Starbucks Musings

I have this thing for Starbucks iced coffee. I don't like their hot coffee (too acidic) but their iced coffee hits the spot. So the other day I went to Starbucks in Bloomfield and I get stuck waiting behind someone who actually had a list of coffee drinks for herself and about 6 buddies, and each drink order was the usual incredibly complicated hodgepodge of extra shots, special flavors, and just the right amount of foam. Fortunately, there are Starbucks about every mile or so in the city, so I went to the next Starbucks down the street and got my iced coffee in less time than I would have spent had I waited in the previous Starbucks.

Anyway, Starbucks supposedly has a new hot coffee that won't erode the lining of your stomach so I'll have to give that a try some day. Actually, this idea of theirs could backfire, since I think the reason people order the expensive coffee drinks is that their regular coffee is so bitter. So they may get more traffic in the stores if the new coffee is decent, but folks will be less likely to get ripped off ordering their fancy lattes and machiattos.

Muffin Misery

Pittsburgh is a lousy muffin town. By this I mean that it is hard to find a vendor here with a nice variety of muffins, and all clearly labeled so you know what the heck you're buying. Particularly hard to find is a good raisin bran muffin. I finally thought I had found muffin Nirvana at the Giant Eagle Marketplace in Shadyside so I had been going there about once a week on the way to work for the past month. So today I go to Giant Eagle and now they have fewer muffins to choose from and they decided it was too much effort to label them all. And wouldn't you know it, my favorite raisin bran muffin in all of Western Pennsylvania seems to have been banished to muffin heaven! Someone out there has a muffin vendetta against me!

Elevator Etiquette

I either feel pissed of or guilty when taking an elevator for the following reasons. I always feel pissed off when I am in the elevator waiting to take off and another party is holding the elevator waiting for some associates to get on. On the other hand, I feel a little guilty when I am in the elevator and I see someone down the hall who is obviously heading for the elevator but I just don't feel like waiting another few seconds to let him/her on so I press the "close door" button and get the hell outa there ASAP. Come on, I know you all have the same elevator angst as I do.

So what's the solution? Should there be some ground rules governing elevator wait times? I vote for a 2 second wait time. So if you're in an elevator and you hear some obnoxious GOM counting "one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi," that means your time is up!

Improving the Flying Experience

I have been very neglectful in the blogging department recently due to the fact that I had to travel to Florida. Of course, that meant that I had to experience the horror otherwise known as our domestic aviation industry. Actually, it wasn't really that bad. My flights were on time and I made it through security without being publicly humiliated to an excessive degree. My main objection was to the public menace your basic GOM traveler dreads every time he sets foot in an aircraft - the screaming baby! Fortunately, I wasn't stuck sitting next to one of these heathens but there were two of them pretty close. And these kids were LOUD. I think the best adjective I can use to describe the wailing would be "bloodcurdling".

So my solution to the problem is as follows. There used to be a smoking section on planes. So why can't they have a screaming section that would take the place of the old smoking section? There would need to be a soundproof partition between the screaming section and the rest of the cabin but I would think that would be very feasible from a technologic standpoint. That way, you could confine all sorts of objectionable activities to that part of the plane, including but not limited to diaper changing, breastfeeding, infant burping and regurgitation, food fighting between toddlers, etc, etc. It's an idea whose time has come.