Helpful Checkout Tips

I've been venting quite a bit lately on the actions of local merchants that piss me off. Today I will take the opportunity to educate my fellow shoppers on their equally annoying habits.

I think the entire country is afflicted by a serious case of checkout line constipation. And I always seem to choose the checkout line that moves the most slowly, but that's another story. Why does the checkout line move so slowly? It's because the morons that are checking out are woefully unprepared for the checkout process. So here are my tips on how to move your ass so as not to further enrage the GOM standing behind you with steam coming out of his ears (that would be me).

1. No conversations with the cashier allowed. I don't care if the cashier happens to be the birth mother you've been searching for for decades - no chit chat allowed.
2. Yes, I am a sexist pig, but this advice mainly applies to the ladies. Please have your method of payment ready to go when you are up for checkout. I mean, I could read War and Peace by the time it takes some of these women to find their cash or credit card. And no wonder it takes so long. They have to find the money in a wallet in a purse in a shoulder bag full of all kinds of other crap - kind of like opening one of those nested babushka dolls. And then it takes the same amount of time to get all the stuff back where it was before, so it's twice the wait time!
3. Why anyone in this world of debit and credit cards would ever write a check in a checkout line is beyond me, but if you have to subject the rest of us in line waiting behind you to this anachronistic practice, here's what you do. Fill out everything in the check except the amount ahead of time - date, payee, and signature. I might have a little less steam coming out of my ears if you comply with this simple request.
4. I think we need some type of credit card user certification process in this country, kind of like getting a driver's license. I amazes me that so many folks cannot seem to master the simple task of sliding a card through a scanner and pushing a few buttons. Maybe it should be part of No Child Left Behind (No Shopper Left Behind?)

That's enough ranting for now. Just be on the lookout for the guy with steam coming out of his ears behind you in line the next time you're checking out.